i wasn’t really sure why at first. i watched it like 10 times before i realized that it reminded me of being a kid and attempting ridiculous things and the pure joy that was experienced when they actually worked.

naturally my memories are not that of rerouting speed trains but more of tying two bottle rockets together and seeing if both of them would travel together to their destiny. and when we were successful it was moments of bliss.

when i was young i never understood why adults were such assholes to kids. i always wondered if adults remembered being kids and where the disconnect in communication took place during the course of life. also as a young mind i wondered if it would happen to me – but i took more of the mindset that i would be different. i guess i teared up because i am no different then the adults i remember.

i recently spent some time with my brothers kids. my nephew michael is 3 and he was playing with some legos and he decided to sing me a song. it was fantastic. however, i realized that i had to struggle to be in the moment. my mind was clouded with all the bullshit that we are conditioned to care about – sex, money, politics, religion, success, appeal, education, health… the path of building a modern well balanced life.

maybe it is where i am currently at in life that has me thinking this way. possibly because db clay deflated. possibly because my mother passed away in recent years. it could be as simple as the surge in reality television that has caused me to doubt purpose. maybe it’s that we all believe everything we hear even though everything is unbelievable. during my high school years my dad would take me to school every morning and drop me off – he would always pray with me and explain to me that you go to school to get a good education so you can get into a good college so you can get a good job with good benefits so you can work your way up the ladder. i remember my first day at my first real job. i was a sales consultant for a tech company. i sat at my desk and at one moment during the afternoon (after all the orientation and introductions were done) this dark silence covered me and all i could think was this is it? – this is point B? from that moment on i sank into a very dark depression for about 9 months. if a fax came in you would see who it was for and put it in their mail box – if you left for lunch or an errand you would move a magnet on a board so everyone knew where you were and when you would be back – if someone had a birthday, everyone would stand around and eat cake and say nice things about that person while forcing tight lipped grins (yes just like office space). this was the reality of the modern business environment and i was fucking terrible at it.

outside of my relationships only two things brought me joy during those early years: techno gear + computers with internet. lame to some but these things were what made up my sanctuary. those that know me the best know that i would surround myself with these things all the time. in this picture below i was 25 and it was around the time i had a major shift in my mindset. i realized that there really is no point B. i always started projects with a point B in mind and when i let go of that it is when i started creating my best stuff. and no, i don’t play the guitar. i play with it – poorly.

i know that i am officially rambling at this point – but i guess the video posted above kinda sprouted a grip of emotions that i haven’t experienced in a while. db clay was by far my most passionate venture – but towards the end it became very stale for all of us. we are all creative fountains and it became nothing more than a fight for survival. which we lost. this entire year slowly broke us down physically, emotionally and mentally. however what we learned has proven to be invaluable. not just business. the other night i was hanging out with garett drinking wine in the now empty db clay studio and we both were reminiscing and i think we laughed the hardest when i asked him you remember when we discovered that the fashion industry is all a joke? and garett replied yeah! you mean these assholes are the wizards behind the curtain?!? – every industry is such a hustle that the people involved don’t really know what they are doing or where they are going. it is the proverbial carrot on the stick… just the carrot is a sweaty wad of cash. sigh.

i am now free. so free that it is almost binding. i have been spending so much time problem solving that now i don’t know what to do. with a clear mind i have started to dust off the old creative building blocks and i am ready to hit it with a new force.

we only have one life to live and i am dedicated to making my life about two bottle rockets again.

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